Men and Pornography

As you may know, a lot of men look at pornography. In fact I know a lot of men and they all look at pornography. Because of "Dark Side of Masculinity" type conversations that occur within male groups, men often talk about pornography with each other. They talk about what kind of porn they like and what porn actors they like to watch. Most men are addicted to pornography, this is something that most men will never admit. In our masculine culture it is considered embarrassing and shameful to be a porn addict because we are socialized to act unbeatable, and accepting addiction is accepting defeat. Ironically overcoming an addiction is what requires true strength, but anyway that's men. Men don't even want their partners to know about their pornography so they keep it secret, although exceptionally a woman will express her own interest in pornography creating a safe zone where the man will then share some of his pornographic habits. Most men are addicted to pornography and are in complete denial with porn addiction unable to be seen as a serious or true addiction in the mindset of the masses.

If you are reading my writings then you already know that I understand how pornography harms and effects women, and that I do not support pornography. But how does pornography harm and effect men?

Men are usually exposed to pornography in some form at an early age. I recall my first e

xposure to pornography when I was around ten and a friend had acquired one his dad's pornographic magazines. It wasn't anything to graphic, just nude women. As I got older I obviously saw a lot more. Due the internet

porn is easy to find and you can spare yourself the shame of buying it publicly, this means that with porn being so mainstream the problems it produces are more evident than ever. Men who watch porn experience a sexual encounter that requires absolutely no social interaction. This promotes anti social behavior when it comes to dating, but more importantly porn creates an ideology that a personal connection or mutual desire is not associated with or required for sexual intercourse. Basically men are socialized that women are objects, and the only connection you can make with an object is that you are it's master and can do what you wish with it. You can surely understand how this is problematic.

Pornography creates insecurity in men. Although most women would agree that they would rather not sleep with men who have giant 12 inch penises, porn makes men feel emasculated by not having giant 12 inch penises. Most men wish they had a bigger penis. Male porn stars typically have unusually large penises, sometimes naturally but often surgically. Constantly seeing images of women who only want men with a gigantic penis, who often comment on the penis size before, during, and after intercourse makes men feel like having a gigantic penis is the only way to possibly satisfy a women sexually. Of course this mentality only applies in situations where a man is interested in dating a woman. In instances of random and usually predatory sexual encounters, a stereo-typically masculine gendered male could care less about a women's sexual satisfaction. These types of insecurities lead to self loathing and negative impacts on their sexual performance. Men who look at pornography often have more difficulties in the bedroom. Because they are so use to seeing unrealistic looking and acting women in porn, it's hard for them to become aroused by real women. They have become desensitized to sex itself.

In Gloria Steinem's essay "Erotica vs. Pornography", she argues that erotica is acceptable with feminist ideology where pornography is not. This makes sense through a female feminist point of view, but I have certain concerns that are problematic to her case on erotica. Because men have been so socialized to see women as objects you can't just trade out the porn for erotica. While someone with a complete feminist mindset can see erotica as an art of gender equity, a masculine gendered male will still objectify the women within erotica just as he objectifies his server at a restaurant or a women he sees in a chewing gum commercial. It doesn't matter because the utter disrespect and objectification of women is so embedded and internalized that it takes much more for it to become undone.

This is why gender and women's studies is so important. When you become educated on issues like pornography, only then can you begin to understand how it is problematic for men and women. I think that gender studies should be just as basic of a subject math, science, and history. We should be learning about feminist theories and practices from and early age and onward. Only through this type of education can we finally begin to overcome and solve problems of gender inequity. Only in that future can something like erotica be truely seen by men as how it is intended.

If your partner looks at pornography, you should find some way to encourage him or her to learn more about what it they they are doing. If you can get them to come to terms with their addiction they are more likely to overcome it and stop participating in a sub culture that promotes the violence towards women, objectification of women, degradation of women and self-degradation.

Men and Single Mothers

*Sometimes blog entries will be like journal entries based around the ideas of the DSOM*

It's not cool for a man to date a single mother. This is mostly due to policing from peers, media, and stereotypes of single mothers. However there are men who have become so lonely that they decide to start dating single mothers, because they believe that single mothers are desperate to find a man. Sadly the man falls into this mentality because it is a stereotype and he has a low self confidence. However, he doesn't seem to realize that a single mother is actually more picky about whom she dates due to the fact that she must consider her child in all of her decisions. That includes men.

Feminist men can see it another way. Becoming a male feminist means that you can comfortably date a single mother and see how it goes from there.

Masculine Gendered Male: Single Mother Stereotypes (list)

They are desperate

They are whores

They are easy

They are "gold diggers"

Unable to please men

Are gross due to stretch marks

Only goal is to find a father for child

On welfare

Rules of Attraction

This entry will focus on how masculine gendered male's use initial physical attraction to determine what could be future relationships with women.

It's pretty well known that when men are looking for a partner, initial physical attraction is important. However, it's not so commonly known that this initial attraction is usually a deciding factor in friendship with a woman as well. It's unlikely that a man will see a woman he is not attracted to physically and want to initiate a conversation with her, which could lead to a possible friendship.

The Rule of Initial Attraction

In social settings, such as a bar/restaurant or college courtyard, we see the rule of initial attraction applied in full force. The Rule of Initial Attraction says that if a woman you don't know is not physically attractive then you should not speak with her unless you have to. An example of having to speak with an unattractive women would be a situation where you asked to borrow their phone to call 911 because your best friend is choking on a hot wing or something. So by this rule, men should not have any female friends that they find unattractive.

Hey! Sometimes I see men with unattractive female friends!

Keep in mind that not all men are attractive to what is stereo-typically defined and depicted as beautiful in our culture. With that being said, there are still men who have female friends that they found unattractive initially. How does this happen? The answer to that question is unfortunately and shockingly simple. They are forced into the friendship. It's a slow process that can take a lot of time. These forced friendships usually take place in work or school environments where a male and female are forced to be around each other for a repeated and extended period of time. To exemplify this, imagine your job. Think of who your "work friends" are. Are these all people you would have had friendships with had you not worked with them for all this time? Probably not. When men have to work with a woman they find unattractive initially it's possible they will become friends, simply because they have been stuck working with each other and just begin to naturally converse out of boredom. In some cases the male can even overcome his inability to be physically attracted and end up forming intimate relationships through this process, becoming attracted to the female for something other than physical appearance.

Does this mean my male friends are not really friends?

Well perhaps, but not because of the rules of initial attraction. Your male friends that you have slowly formed bonds of friendship with are most likely legit. Although they may not find you physically attractive, the friendship is a true relationship that you have formed together.

Don't women do that to?

Yes, but it's not as extreme. Of course women look at men and recognize if they are attractive or not, but men are the ones who take it to the next level and keep in mind this entry is focusing on mostly friendship.

Of course if you are a man and you initiate a conversation with a woman by hitting on her, she will most likely not want to keep talking to you if she finds you unattractive or if she just doesn't like being approached by aggressive men. I have personally found that almost any woman I approach will talk to me in a friendly manner as long as I initiate the conversation in a mutually friendly manner. Men however will not do this. There are two main reasons why a man will quickly dismiss a woman who initiates conversation with him.

The first reason is that he simply does not want to talk to an unattractive woman, when he could be talking to his friends or another woman whom he does find attractive. The other reason, which is usually more the case, is that men fear that talking with an unattractive woman will lead her on to believe that he may be interested. Because men socialized to be "protectors" of women, they feel that they are protecting her feelings by not even becoming involved with the woman at all, in attempts to avoid hurting her feelings in the future by having to say something like "Listen I think you're cool and everything but I just don't see you like that". That's peoples way of saying I'm not interested in you, and a man's way of saying I don't think you are pretty. You must also keep in mind that this situation may no apply in the off chance that it's happening in one of the previously mention controlled environments like work or school. A situation where the man is not interested and he has even surpassed the rule of initial attraction.

How Bad is it really?

To narrow it down, men won't even pay you a compliment unless they would have sex with you. Women will pay you an innocent compliment like "cool hair", "I like that shirt", or even "I like your bumper stickers", and it can be totally platonic without them being attracted to you physically. Men will not do this, and it's for the same to reasons that a man won't talk to an unattractive woman that I mentioned in the last section. Keep in mind that the deciding question for a man to determine if a woman is attractive, is simply the question if he would engage in sexual intercourse with her or not. That's right, it's true. I know you don't want to believe me but that is simply just how masculine gendered males have been socialized to be. So when some man you don't know walks up and pays you an innocent compliment, remember the thought process that led him into speaking with you in the first place.

The good news is that by pointing these things out and naming them, we can dismantle these sexist practices through our educations.

What is the Dark Side of Masculinity?

What is the "dark side of masculinity"?

Before I go further I would like to say that in the past when the term "sexual harassment" did not exist, men who harassed women did it in open public. They did it in the office, school, the diner, the sidewalk, you name it. Because there was no word for it, there was no way to address the issue. I don't want to go into a lot of detail on that, besides if you are ready to learn about "the dark side of masculinity" then you already know all about that. My point is, naming is important. In issues like sexual harassment, marital rape, and date rape it's easy to see how these acts needed to be named in order to draw out the issue and attempt to resolve it. Well I present to you a new "name", if you will. Today, October 10th 2011, I present to you The Dark Side of Masculinity.

So what is it?

The Dark Side of Masculinity- When masculine gendered men are gathered in groups of two or more, conversations and actions likely occur of extreme misogyny and blatant disrespect towards women and often LGBTQ people.

Wait, educated people are already aware of this right?

Yes and no. The reason I say no is because I have come to the realization that it is far more extreme than what is presented in my gender studies classes. Throughout this blog, I will attempt to continually and fluidly explain and exemplify just exactly what the dark side of masculinity is, how it works, and how it effects us.

Welcome to The Dark Side of Masculinity.